Too Early?

Following from the disastrous hurricanes in the Caribbean; there comes news of our very own disaster:[

 

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL                                                    

 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.                                                  

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the  Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt  out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros (benefit, social security) arrived.                                                                  

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon .. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My  youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.                                                     

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of  personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.                              

HOW CAN YOU HELP?                                                       

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:                                 

Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female),  White sport socks, Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.                                

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:                                              

Microwave meals                                                         

Tins of baked beans                                                     

Ice cream                                                               

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.                                        

 

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms                   

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9           

£5 buys B&H smokes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.         

 

**Breaking news**                                                       

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry  alco-pop.                                                                 

“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,  “Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

 

2 comments for “Too Early?

  1. Kristin
    September 27, 2017 at 6:18 am

    I must speak out about the food. I WISH the poor in my area (Southwestern USA) ate baked beans. They would be a vast improvement. Last week in our local grocery store I winked at my husband, to get him to peep at the contents of the shopping cart (UK:trolley?)behind me in line. Family, with children, and the entire cart was filled with junk. I mean, none of it was actual food. Weirdest stuff- some kind of processed, artificial flavored and puffed colored chips (crisps, sorry) I can’t even explain it. This woman behind me was going to feed this to her children. What was so remarkable was that the entire cart was filled with this stuff- all this.. fake stuff- not ONE single “real food” item in the whole big cart. Even the juice was fake- it was a scary neon color with no actual fruit juice. It was all weird snack-ey foods- Off-brand ramen 10-packs, frozen cartoon character shaped pizza nuggets, more frozen thingies in shapes that contain not much more than fat, salt, and soy. This wasn’t cheap stuff either when you add it all up. When they say the poor can’t afford healthy food they are Full Of Shit- a lb of organic carrots at any store here runs about one US dollar. Lettuce is less than one dollar a head. Beans? Pennies. Bag of apples is cheaper than one frozen meal.
    Anyway, I just wanted to share this rant, thought it was apropo.

  2. Fred
    September 27, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    Excellent: I’ve forwarded it to my Basildon-dwelling cousin.

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